I want to tell you about me, my struggle with addiction and inner turmoil but in a nutshell. I feel like the “addict life” is well described and most “addicts” know what we did or do. Our situations and people may be different but the pain, loss and delusions are the same. I'm going to focus on the solution rather than the problem, but let's go back a little so that you and I can relate. One thing we must first understand is that everyone has suffered,whether it be addictions, past traumas or everyday stressors. We all want freedom from these problems, but many of us don't know how to let go of the past anxieties or the future worries. Our minds are like that hamster on the wheel, running as fast as it can but not going anywhere. I can tell you from experience that the wheel you're running on has three spokes, I, ME and MY. Once we give ourselves a little space, search within and care for one another many of your problems will be easier to manage. Hopefully by the end of this you will understand that there is no me, there is only we! 

Let me take you back to my childhood, since most of our emotional baggage we replay unconsciously comes from this time. I had a normal childhood, I grew up with two loving parents. It wasn't until I was about 12 years old or so that I experienced trauma that began to mold my ego. I was molested by a male which left me feeling afraid, confused and insignificant. After this I had to build this tough, but witty kid who had all the answers. By the time I left middle school I had a monstrous ego that was building an emotional wall, keeping all my healthy loving emotions imprisoned, while not letting anyone too close. You know the feeling, keeping people at arms length so they don't get too close. In high school I portrayed this rebellious teen, drinking, smoking and selling drugs so that I could hide this scared confused boy. 

As I got older I carried this rebellious façade into adulthood, partying all night using and selling drugs. I also began breaking the law, getting arrested and going to jail in my early 20’s. Of course, as if this wasn't enough chaos, I decided to get married, have a couple of kids, go to prison, destroy this and live in full blown addiction mode, living in and out of rehabs, halfway houses, under bridges and couch surfing while trying to keep my charade up. I went through this hell until April 2018 when I had to go to prison for the second time, and this time there would be no slap on the wrist. I would be serving 5 yrs! 

My first couple of years in prison were no different than my outside life, however in 2020 I decided I needed a break, just for a moment. I had no idea what that quiet moment would lead to. I began getting up at 4:00 AM before my fellow inmates. I'd sit in meditation posture while enjoying my instant coffee, then I'd journal a little and then return to the daily functions of prison life. In the midst of this new routine I found myself reading more, meditating more, which eventually led me to the Bhagavad Gita. It's an old Indian epic about a charioteer and soldier who's getting ready to fight a battle but questions his life choices before he must kill or be killed. It's an analogy for our human concerns and problems. It was fascinating, it  led me on a path of self-inquiry which I practiced meditating day and night for several more years. As my practice deepened I found myself studying self-help books, rational emotive therapy, eating better and exercising more. I was being mindful of my body, mind and spirit, yet I didn't know I was until one day with my eyes closed, in deep meditation I realized that I wasn't an addict, that I wasn't even my ego. It was absolutely beautifully liberating, there was this inner sense of peace and joy that is indescribable. I was no longer attached to this "wounded person" or "image" of myself who identified as this tough guy hiding behind this behavior we call addiction. I can tell you from experience that you are not an addictive behavior. For me, I begin leaving many destructive behaviors behind when I put four steps in my daily practice. It started with taking responsibility for my actions, emotions,  thoughts. Then I learned to be completely present while practicing  meditation. When these three things came together, I could finally give myself and my ego space which allowed me to let go, and in turn forgive everything.